Hoarding Thoughts

Almost September... Almost Fall... Almost kept my focus, but I didn't. A clean calendar page feels pregnant with possibility. I hover on the edge of to do and have not done. Fifteen things I meant to do... Three I did. In case you were wondering I got life insurance! I have stuck with my kickboxing. I read to my monster every chance I get. But the other dozen things on the list... Fail. I have been writing. I think I've figured a way to come full circle in my novel. I can get my girl back to NOLA which is where she is supposed to be. I struggle with the weight. I have spent the summer reading lots which brings me happiness but doesn't mark things off the list. I could stationary bike and listen to podcasts and books on tape. I have got to reel in my diet. I am utterly miserable at my current weight. Ahh... September. What excitement will you bring? I will wake up September first in Starkville. We will go to the festival and do lots of walking I'm sure. I c...

Fulfilled. What is that? Sometimes I feel overfilled, yet hardly ever fulfilled. I long for routine, yet I struggle to set and stick to them. I long for financial security, yet I make poor financial decisions (I make some good ones, too). I long for physical fitness, yet I fail to be physically active. I long for quiet times alone, yet I fill my days with busyness. Has there been a time in my life when I felt fulfilled? Crossing the finish line after 13.1 miles in Lynchburg came close. Taking the ferry across the river to the Old Point Bar in Algiers was fun. Hanging out sans James in NOLA while he sat for TJ is up there. Hiking to Diamond Head after my 5K and snorkeling in Hanauma Bay were bittersweet (mostly sweet). My four weeks in Spearman and four weeks on my own in Pinellas were (although anxiety-filled before anxiety was something you sought treatment for) are probably among my proudest moments. Having Olivia didn't really fulfill me, but watching her read does. I...

Whoosh... And like that a week without the little has dwindled down to a few hours of quiet time at home without her left. We have been busy. Work, Jack Johnson concert, work, crawfish boil prep, work, tonight, work, kickboxing, crawfish boil... never ending. I have a massage scheduled for next Tuesday... What!?!? I like never get massages. I haven't been very introspective this week - just been busy. I miss my routine even though my routine includes very little time for me. I obviously struggle with too much time on my hands. Gotta get back on track with my goals. (Takes a bite of leftover pizza) Gonna get my butt kicked at kickboxing tomorrow. Ready to veg on the couch with Netflix - ahhh... Motivation, wherefore art thou, Motivation? --magpie

Ahh... Road trip. Got lots of typing done. Well, maybe 8 or 9 chapters, but it felt like a major accomplishment. Working on building suspense now. I mean I have a definite plot arc but have struggled with keeping the reading suspenseful and not getting bogged down in character development. I love the story - does this translate to a readable story to others? Is my genre romance or suspense? It's not overly suspenseful, but it's also not really romantic - although there is attraction. What do readers want? I guess I'll have to publish to find out :) --magpie

I struggle with relationships. I always have. I mean, literally, I have always been in f*ked up relationships - starting with my family and moving on. I try to change me, to be me, to work on me, but it is ALWAYS a one-way street. I am mother, daughter, sister, breadwinner, business owner, partner, but I ALWAYS feel like I give more than I get. Why do I take it so personally? Oh, is that what you want us to do? We can just keep her two weeks. Bullshit. That is what I want you to do. No two weeks, not what we AGREED on before we came. But I eat/write/hide my feelings... Every. Time. Will I ever be strong enough to cut them all off? --magpie

Our panty party lasted all of 3 hours until I resigned and went back to trusty diapers... Just in time, too. So I didn't ruin my diet today on cupcakes (now the cookies for the tea party are another story). My writing draws on lots of places I've been and things I've done. But the life I live now is far too mundane to be of interest. I'm writing of a character that is partly me and mostly the me I've always wanted to be (not on the lamb from the law but more exotic, adventurous, attractive). I love incorporating locales I've visited/inhabited/adored. Travel is one thing I have always had a desire to do. And I actually really enjoy doing it alone “To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world” – Freya Stark Ah... travel - a thing of my past. But a day at home with a toddler is fulfilling in its own way. We had a delightful day - read, played, colored, cleaned, cooked cookies, had tea. I love that boov. --mag...

Up early Couldn't cardio - hungry? tired? lazy? 5 minutes of a 30 minute yoga DVD Good breakfast Paid for kickboxing - got gloves Brenda Rice and 4 pounds of chocolate Chocolate Mexican Chocolate Splinted a puppy leg Chocolate Call from Sharon - no Artists Chocolate Bryan Huggins Haircut E-clinic coffee cart Baby time Grilled salmon and a kale smoothie Dr. Jobe Baby bath No luck on the potty Barely able to blog Late bedtime Not so much compatible with my long-term goals. And since The Artists won't be gathering this week, I have both a whole day to do whatever but also likely no time to type tomorrow. Potty-training Panty Party with cupcakes tomorrow... Stay tuned --magpie

How will I ever get all the things done? My to-do list grows and overwhelms me. There is no time like the present to put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard?) and start marking things off "the list," so here goes: 1. Type remainder of novel and find an editor 2. Create a budget and tackle debt:      - $5,720 credit card      - $56,750 RV      - $158,150 mortgage      - $52,809 student loans      - $250,000 business loan (+ $63,000 auto) 3. Potty-train a belligerent 3-year-old 4. Blog 5. Layout and self-publish my children's book 6. Fully fund my Roth IRA 7. Lose 100 pounds 8. Get life insurance (current term ends August 2019) 9. Remodel kitchen (while avoiding additional debt) 10. Learn to play the ukulele  11. Read to my child 12. Kickboxing class 13. Meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. 14. Make a will 15. Get a passport Well, my list just didn't seem complete with only 14 ...

I know you don't want to go to bed. You want to know how I know? I know because I know. So quiet down and rest your head; There are places you must go. A thousand adventures await you If you will only dare to dream. So close your eyes, beloved child, You're running out of steam. While you rest, the world resets; Tomorrow we start anew. While you lie here, know I'll be near Watching over you. When you think the night is long, Know we'll find the day. Slumber now, my dear child, Tomorrow's not so far away. As you doze, may dreams find you And fill you full of fantasy. And when you wake all rested well, Where you've been I hope you'll tell me. So, goodnight, child, catch some z's, And, while you softly snore, I'll snooze, too, and dream of you Then tomorrow we'll play some more. magpie originally penned 7/14/16

So, here's the deal... I want to be a writer. Actually, I am a writer. But it's like an alter ego for me. No one in my "real" life knows about my "writer" life. Except a small group I will call The Artists . I recently read a poem/bedtime rhyme I wrote maybe two years ago for my daughter, and you know what? I think it's good. So, maybe I'll start (another) blog. I just took down the older ones. Not that there isn't great stuff there, but that part of my life is behind me. Now I am on to a new adventure. Stick around and enjoy the ride. My penultimate goal is publication. What comes after that is what it is. “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” -Ernest Hemingway This journey began in earnest in November of 2012. It has had a few bumps along the way. I'm pretty sure I've got 90,000 words - I'm going through and typing the notebooks of handwritten work now. I'll k...